Here I Am Again

Judith, , ,

You probably thought you’d seen the last of me… am I right? Yes, it’s been a long, long time since I’ve posted here and even longer since I was blogging regularly. I haven’t spent a lot of time in my art studio — obviously — and that’s been all right. I guess I needed to step away from art.

Things have been very busy around our home, and I won’t bother with details. I’ll just say my husband has had serious health issues, we’ve had out of town visitors, we’ve learned that our Buddy Boy cat is diabetic, and I’ve been pursuing many other interests over the last year. There hasn’t been a lot of time for art, and even if I’d made time for it, I wasn’t really in a “head space” that would allow me to feel too creative.

Now, though, here I am again. I don’t honestly know how long I’ll hang around my very messy art studio, or how often I’ll be posting. But, it’s September now. There’s that delicious autumn chill in the morning air, and as always, my thoughts are in “back-to-school” mode. I want to come back to art, at least now and then. I want to explore my visual creativity again. I want to feel the excitement that comes from learning something new, from seeing possibilities, from trying things I’ve never done before.

Mostly I’ve come back to art as “art therapy”. All that’s transpired over the past year has led me to the realization of how hurt my “inner child” has actually been. Even doing little “therapy” projects has been problematic.

Yet there’s been another realization, too, a much more positive and encouraging one. Over the summer, you see, I spent some time sorting through old pieces of artwork I’d done. And over and over again, I caught myself gasping in surprise. Had I created this lovely floral piece? Was I really the artist who painted that enchanting watercolor? And those little drawings — some cute, some clever, some actually quite good — were those done by my hand? I sat here surrounded by my art, and yes, I was impressed, if only by the sheer volume of what I had produced here in my little downstairs art studio.

Knowing I wanted to get back to art — on a limited basis — and feeling a need to heal that wounded inner child, I turned again to art therapy. And, as always I struggled. I kept putting off the project I had planned. I found one reason after another why “this just isn’t a good time”. Finally, a couple weeks ago, I made myself sit down and make a start.

The results aren’t pretty, but that doesn’t matter. The act of picking up a paintbrush and playing with colors did make me yearn for more creative expression. Soon thereafter, I enrolled in a free online “art gathering”, and while it’s not really my usual “art thing”, I’ve started following along with a few lessons. I’ll be sharing my mixed media works in future posts.

But back to my art therapy and my first “assignment”. It was simply to draw something positive. In the state of mind I was in, that was actually difficult, and the thought of drawing anything scared me out of my wits! I couldn’t handle another “failure” of any sort, especially not as a part of my so-called “therapy”. So, what could I do?

I resorted to painting yet one more version of “my happy place” — a woodland scene. How many times have I painted trees, trees, and more trees? Countless. But it was easy, it was familiar, and it gave me a chance to get a watercolor brush wet, an opportunity to play with my favorite blues and greens. Restful colors. Peaceful colors. Colors I needed.

You’re probably saying “Oh, we’ve seen that before!” Yes. Yes, you have, and that’s part of the point of why I painted it. Later, you might notice, I went in with a ball-point pen and sketched a few tree trunks and branches. For me, this was all a mindless watercolor painting, not a painting designed to be beautiful or meaningful, other than as a representation of “a positive place”. I thought about how much I love walking in the woods. I thought about the sounds of nature. I thought about how much fun it can be to brush colors on a page and not concern myself with how it looked.

I suppose this is another example of the “ugly art” I often create. It’s easier to make ugly art and enjoy the process than to fret over the faults and failings when I try to create “good art”. It’s also the first step back into my studio. We all know that old Chinese proverb about how “the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step”. I don’t intend to draw and paint a thousand miles into the future, but I do hope to once again become an artist — one who plays with colors, one who sees the world in new ways, and one who maybe now and then creates something lovely.

32 Comments

      2. Glad you are back! And really happy that you were surprised by your own work. The pleasure of being in painting mode is its own reward. There’s a youtuber called Strewthless who is also an artist. He’s made more than one episode about perfectionism, and he really rang my bell when he said perfectionists often grew up “walking on eggs,” trying not to trigger an angry adult. You, too? Be good to yourself…. It’s not about making a perfect work of art. It’s about the pleasure of making.

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    1. Thanks. I miss blogging, but things have been so hectic in recent months, plus I haven’t been doing any art at all until recently… so, yes, it’s good to be back, even if only occasionally.

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  3. Welcome back to this space, I’m happy to see your art and read your words again. It is amazing how much more we love our art given time!

    I’m sorry to hear this last year has brought you challenges. I do hope your art helps heal. 💗

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    1. It’s been a crazy year with more emotional turmoil than I could handle. Between my sister’s increasing dementia and my husband’s health issues, I’ve been a big ball of stress. I’m hoping to unwind a bit now. 🙂

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    1. Good luck to both of us. 🙂 Mine started as a “summer slump” — in 2022! Then life got crazy and art got farther and farther from my mind. I’m spending a little more time here in the studio now, and I’m hoping I’ll feel more creative day by day.

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    1. It’s been a long break for me, so it’s almost like starting all over again… but not quite. At least I have some experience and a little knowledge now. I think I know more, too, about who I am and what I enjoy about art.

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    1. Picking up that paintbrush was an act of courage right now. For me, it’s all about colors at the moment, just playing with colors I like. Watercolor makes it easy to play, so I’m enjoying that aspect of it.

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  7. The process is everything! Let’s forget about the product! (Though I do love those greens and blues! And I feel cheered and peaceful, viewing this.) So glad you enjoyed the process of appreciating your work! And welcome back!

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    1. I’m trying to stay with that sense of “authenticity” I was exploring before I walked away from the studio. The blues and greens are meaningful for me, and regardless of what I create with those colors, there is a sense of true self-expression there.

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  9. Welcome back. The best advice I can give is to blog when you feel like it, not because you feel there are expectations on you. It’s the same for your art: you sense what works for you, and pick up the brushes when it feels right.

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    1. Thanks. I know I need to involve myself in creative processes now, so playing with watercolor is a good way to do it. I might not turn out anything worthy of being called “art”, but it’s helping me through some difficult emotions.

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    1. I love the blogging part! That’s what I probably have missed most while I’ve been away from the studio. In fact, I’m just sitting down to write a post, and I was planning to start by saying how good it feels to blog! The artwork might not always be the best, but I always love writing about my experiences.

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  12. “I suppose this is another example of the “ugly art” I often create. It’s easier to make ugly art and enjoy the process than to fret over the faults and failings when I try to create “good art”.

    I’m actually finding you for the first time but, oh, I love that statement so much! It’s so important to just make. That’s the way to find yourself back into it AND relaxed and enjoying the peace of it. I hope you will post regularly; I’m going to subscribe. And I’m thinking of trying that thing about going back into a piece with a pen! Scared! 😊

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    1. Hi! Sorry to be so late responding to your comment. Obviously I haven’t been hanging around my art studio and blogging in recent month. I have been “dabbling” a bit, though, and I’m hoping to get back to drawing and painting in the coming weeks. Yes, just “doing it” and having fun with art are very important!

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